Super Punch-Out!!
by Chris Mika 25 March 2005
Everybody remembers Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! The game was so badass, it had TWO exclamation points.(!!)
Super Punch-Out!!, on the other end, has been relegated to cult status. The game itself is somewhat of a rarity, but ask anyone who's played it, and they'll endlessly extol the game's renowned virtuosity.
There are some notable changes from the original. No more boxers with cut and paste heads. No more trainer Doc Lewis and his "Join Nintendo Fun Club Today, Mac" tips. And no more Little Mac.
Me and my brothers used to play this game a lot. Definitely one of our favorites. Yet, due to advancing game systems and abandoning adolescence, I hadn't played this game in roughly 8 years. A couple of days ago, I was reminiscing about the old days of yore, when out of nowhere I was overtaken by an awesome Super Punch-Out!! envisage. I HAD to re-obtain this game!
Load and behole, Super Punch-Out!! is back in my life. And to mark this wondrous event, I've decided to fight my way through the World Video Boxing Association and document every glorious step! I will even provide each fighter's pre-fight quote and retort with vengeful, cheezy smack whenever necessary.
------------------------------------
First off, I need to name my boxer. In the original Punch-Out!!, you were saddled with the name "Little Mac". I decide to roll with the Junior-High-esque "aNTicRfT".
Really, that's all you need to do to prepare yourself for your first opponent...
------------------------------------
MINOR CIRCUIT
Gabby Jay (France) - Pre-fight quote: "Let me win. I've
lost so many times I forgot how winning feels."
Honestly, I don't remember Gabby Jay ever even knocking me or my brothers down. I think our family dog Shasta chewed on the controller one time and beat him. You should not lose to Gabby Jay. Ever.
Result: KO (on 1st knockdown) 7.62 seconds
Bear Hugger (Canada) - "Watch out! I am a killer - I am the Bear Hugger!"
After beating Gabby Jay, you will find that you will no longer be able to beat boxers by simply mashing random buttons. You actually have to start using different techniques to connect on your punches. Nevertheless, the trick to beating Bear Hugger requires only minimal thinking. Apparently, there's a way to beat him in 17 seconds, but I've never gotten him down below 19. Bear Hugger...More like - Floor Hugger!
KO (on 1st knockdown) 19.28 seconds
Piston Hurricane (Cuba) - "Can you ride out the storm or be
caught in my "Hurricane Rush"?
Beginners usually have a tough time with Piston Hurricane and his "Hurricane Rush". But, my brothers will be happy to know that I was still able to punk Piston Hurricane in under 12 seconds. It seems that I am a match for your "Hurricane Rush", bitch.
KO 10.52 seconds
Bald Bull (Turkey) - "You'll be down for the count with one punch from my "Bull Charge".
A famous holdover from the regular Nintendo original, Bald Bull is a little bit challenging. If he nails you with his "Bull Charge", you will be knocked down, just like his quote says. You can play it safe and try to dodge the "Bull Charge", but if you want to go for speed records, you can get aggressive and try to Super Punch him as he charges towards you -- just like in the original Punch-Out!!. But, your timing has to be perfect. Mine wasn't, and he connected. No worries, though. Bald Bull went down easy.
TKO 25.16 seconds; Knocked down once on "Bull Charge"
Record for Minor Circuit:
4-0 -- 3 KO's, 1 TKO -- 240330 points -- Times knocked down: 1
------------------------------------
MAJOR CIRCUIT
Bob Charlie (Jamaica) - "People who can't feel the
rhythm or so lost. Do you have the rhythm?"
Hmm, a dread-locked boxer from Jamaica who likes to "feel the rhythm". Anyways, Bob "Charlie", though very easy to beat, is difficult to knock down quickly because he moves around so much. In this fight, Bob Charlie was feeling the rhythm...of my alternating jabs of fury.
TKO 50.48 seconds
Dragon Chan (Hong Kong) - "You will find yourself face down...when you wake up."
Another character derived from the celebrity world, this time a combination of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. Dragon Chan will kung-fu your ass with flying kicks and karate chops, then replenish his energy with guided meditation. Dragon Chan is usually one of the first guys that beginners get stuck on. I had no problems. Against me, it was Dragon Chan who found himself face down.
TKO 36.13 seconds
Masked Muscle (Mexico) - "You should give up now señor."
With his wrestler's mask and boxing gloves, Masked Muscle looks suspiciously similar to StrongBad. Masked Muscle will try to head-butt you and spit in your face, but if you are able to avoid his flying discharge (ewww), you'll be fine. After some quick body blows, the Masked Muscle was crushed.
KO 32.54 seconds
Mr. Sandman (USA) - "Had your goodnight kiss? 'Cause I'm about to put you down for the night."
Another boxer from the original. And his pre-fight quote is fun to say in a sexy voice after a night of drinking. I still haven't found a way to cut down on my time against Mr. Sandman. Regardless, the big man was put down with ease.
TKO 1 min 2.41 seconds
Record for Major Circuit:
4-0 -- 1KO, 3 TKO's -- 294150 points -- Times knocked down: 0
------------------------------------
WORLD CIRCUIT
Aran Ryan (Ireland) - "Your wimpy little punches won't even faze me."
Well, I guess they needed at least one fighting Irishman. Super Punches are the only way to do any real damage against this guy. Which would be easy, except after every successful Super Punch, Aran Ryan will attempt to grab you and drain your stamina -- unless you land another Super Punch. It takes some practice, but if you get your timing right, Aran Ryan can get fazed.
TKO 40.43 seconds
Heike Kagero (Japan) - "Be gentle with me, please.
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hooo!"
Ah, yes, the ambiguously transgendered boxer. Such a cliché. Heike Kagero wears makeup, purple boots, and has long hair that goes down to his / her waist. Heike will fling his / her hair in your direction, striking you with a tenacious mane of Herbal Essence. But, I was ready to give Heike the Paul Mitchell smackdown.
TKO 44.69 seconds
Mad Clown (Italy) - "Welcome! Now let's get this show on the road."
Probably my least favorite opponent, because, really, who likes clowns? Mad
Clown will try to distract you with a circus juggling act, then fly towards
you in a show-stopping somersault attack. I was not entertained. Party's over,
Mad Clown.
TKO 59.24 seconds
Super Macho Man (USA) -- "Make sure to stand clear while I pose for my fans."
The last holdover from the original, his Super Spin Punch has frustrated millions the world over. But, I was able tag the vain muscle man with my own exercise program -- of pain.
TKO 49.31 seconds
Record for World Circuit:
4-0 -- 4 TKO's -- 377520 points -- Times knocked down: 0
------------------------------------
If you go undefeated in all three circuits, another circuit gets unlocked...
------------------------------------
SPECIAL CIRCUIT
Narcis Prince (UK) - "I will not let you touch my beautiful, beautiful face."
Narcis Prince will prance around the ring and maybe casually toss a few punches if he feels like it. I knew what I had to do agitate the conceited bastard: Pummel, Pummel is beautiful, beautiful face.
TKO 47.84 seconds
Hoy Quarlow (China) - "Please, take it easy on a poor,
old man won't you?"
Mention Hoy Quarlow to anybody who's played the game, and fools will grumble, "That Old Man with the cane...", then meld into a vegetive state of frustration and anger. Sure, he's 78 years old, wrinkled, and has to walk around the ring with a cane, but this man will BEAT YOU DOWN. When I first played this game years ago, it took me forever to get his timing down, but it was such an amazing accomplishment that the method of taking him out was imprinted in my brain. I went into Total Recall mode and sent Hoy Quarlow stuttering against the canvas.
TKO 51.56 seconds
Rick Bruiser (?) - "My brother may be champ, but only
'cause I let him win. Really I am the best!"
The final two opponents, Rick and Nick Bruiser, in an amazing twist in the universe, are practically clones of the Klitschko brothers, yet created almost a decade before they came to prominence in the for reals world of boxing. Astounding. You have to watch yourself with Rick. Try to give him a hook or an uppercut, and he's coming right back twice as hard. Miss on a punch, and he'll break your hand, leaving you unable to fight back. If you don't pay attention, he'll bash you with a crippling forearm. And if he knocks you down, he'll laugh in your face. You have to be quick with Rick. I was ready for the fool, dodging and counterpunching him until his eyes were popping out. In the end, it was I who was laughing.
TKO 50.48 seconds
Nick Bruiser (?) - "......................"
Topping Mike Tyson as the final boxer is impossible, but Nick Bruiser is a
worthy replacement. And infinitely better than lame-ass Mr. Dream. Nick is
like Rick. Similar moves, similar look...and yet the complete opposite. While
Rick is animated, Nick displays no emotion. He doesn't have a pre-fight quote.
If he knocks you down, he stands in the corner and looks away. If he knocks
you out, he solemnly bows his head. The Man is Cold! Everybody who has ever
fought Nick Bruiser has teary-eyed stories about their battles of futile destruction.
Some might even have nasty Vietnam-ish nightmares and flashbacks. Luckily,
I've had experience against Nick Bruiser, giving me the heart of stone needed
to methodically fight my way through the punishment and take the title.
TKO 1 min 6.37 seconds
Record for Special Circuit:
4-0 -- 4 TKO's -- 495260 points -- Times knocked down: 0
------------------------------------
16-0 is good, but other than the MINOR CIRCUIT, my times aren't that great. Thus, the value of another added feature: Time Attack Mode. Most games get old fast after you beat them. Super Punch-Out!! has a huge replay value. There are just so many different ways you can approach each fighter. Oh, Nick Bruiser, you haven't seen the last of aNTicRfT...
Super Punch-Out!!, on the other end, has been relegated to cult status. The game itself is somewhat of a rarity, but ask anyone who's played it, and they'll endlessly extol the game's renowned virtuosity.
There are some notable changes from the original. No more boxers with cut and paste heads. No more trainer Doc Lewis and his "Join Nintendo Fun Club Today, Mac" tips. And no more Little Mac.
Me and my brothers used to play this game a lot. Definitely one of our favorites. Yet, due to advancing game systems and abandoning adolescence, I hadn't played this game in roughly 8 years. A couple of days ago, I was reminiscing about the old days of yore, when out of nowhere I was overtaken by an awesome Super Punch-Out!! envisage. I HAD to re-obtain this game!
Load and behole, Super Punch-Out!! is back in my life. And to mark this wondrous event, I've decided to fight my way through the World Video Boxing Association and document every glorious step! I will even provide each fighter's pre-fight quote and retort with vengeful, cheezy smack whenever necessary.
------------------------------------
First off, I need to name my boxer. In the original Punch-Out!!, you were saddled with the name "Little Mac". I decide to roll with the Junior-High-esque "aNTicRfT".
Really, that's all you need to do to prepare yourself for your first opponent...
------------------------------------
MINOR CIRCUIT
Gabby Jay (France) - Pre-fight quote: "Let me win. I've
lost so many times I forgot how winning feels."Honestly, I don't remember Gabby Jay ever even knocking me or my brothers down. I think our family dog Shasta chewed on the controller one time and beat him. You should not lose to Gabby Jay. Ever.
Result: KO (on 1st knockdown) 7.62 seconds
Bear Hugger (Canada) - "Watch out! I am a killer - I am the Bear Hugger!"
After beating Gabby Jay, you will find that you will no longer be able to beat boxers by simply mashing random buttons. You actually have to start using different techniques to connect on your punches. Nevertheless, the trick to beating Bear Hugger requires only minimal thinking. Apparently, there's a way to beat him in 17 seconds, but I've never gotten him down below 19. Bear Hugger...More like - Floor Hugger!
KO (on 1st knockdown) 19.28 seconds
Piston Hurricane (Cuba) - "Can you ride out the storm or be
caught in my "Hurricane Rush"?Beginners usually have a tough time with Piston Hurricane and his "Hurricane Rush". But, my brothers will be happy to know that I was still able to punk Piston Hurricane in under 12 seconds. It seems that I am a match for your "Hurricane Rush", bitch.
KO 10.52 seconds
Bald Bull (Turkey) - "You'll be down for the count with one punch from my "Bull Charge".
A famous holdover from the regular Nintendo original, Bald Bull is a little bit challenging. If he nails you with his "Bull Charge", you will be knocked down, just like his quote says. You can play it safe and try to dodge the "Bull Charge", but if you want to go for speed records, you can get aggressive and try to Super Punch him as he charges towards you -- just like in the original Punch-Out!!. But, your timing has to be perfect. Mine wasn't, and he connected. No worries, though. Bald Bull went down easy.
TKO 25.16 seconds; Knocked down once on "Bull Charge"
Record for Minor Circuit:
4-0 -- 3 KO's, 1 TKO -- 240330 points -- Times knocked down: 1
------------------------------------
MAJOR CIRCUIT
Bob Charlie (Jamaica) - "People who can't feel the
rhythm or so lost. Do you have the rhythm?"Hmm, a dread-locked boxer from Jamaica who likes to "feel the rhythm". Anyways, Bob "Charlie", though very easy to beat, is difficult to knock down quickly because he moves around so much. In this fight, Bob Charlie was feeling the rhythm...of my alternating jabs of fury.
TKO 50.48 seconds
Dragon Chan (Hong Kong) - "You will find yourself face down...when you wake up."
Another character derived from the celebrity world, this time a combination of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. Dragon Chan will kung-fu your ass with flying kicks and karate chops, then replenish his energy with guided meditation. Dragon Chan is usually one of the first guys that beginners get stuck on. I had no problems. Against me, it was Dragon Chan who found himself face down.
TKO 36.13 seconds
Masked Muscle (Mexico) - "You should give up now señor."With his wrestler's mask and boxing gloves, Masked Muscle looks suspiciously similar to StrongBad. Masked Muscle will try to head-butt you and spit in your face, but if you are able to avoid his flying discharge (ewww), you'll be fine. After some quick body blows, the Masked Muscle was crushed.
KO 32.54 seconds
Mr. Sandman (USA) - "Had your goodnight kiss? 'Cause I'm about to put you down for the night."
Another boxer from the original. And his pre-fight quote is fun to say in a sexy voice after a night of drinking. I still haven't found a way to cut down on my time against Mr. Sandman. Regardless, the big man was put down with ease.
TKO 1 min 2.41 seconds
Record for Major Circuit:
4-0 -- 1KO, 3 TKO's -- 294150 points -- Times knocked down: 0
------------------------------------
WORLD CIRCUIT
Aran Ryan (Ireland) - "Your wimpy little punches won't even faze me."
Well, I guess they needed at least one fighting Irishman. Super Punches are the only way to do any real damage against this guy. Which would be easy, except after every successful Super Punch, Aran Ryan will attempt to grab you and drain your stamina -- unless you land another Super Punch. It takes some practice, but if you get your timing right, Aran Ryan can get fazed.
TKO 40.43 seconds
Heike Kagero (Japan) - "Be gentle with me, please.
Hoo, hoo, hoo, hooo!"Ah, yes, the ambiguously transgendered boxer. Such a cliché. Heike Kagero wears makeup, purple boots, and has long hair that goes down to his / her waist. Heike will fling his / her hair in your direction, striking you with a tenacious mane of Herbal Essence. But, I was ready to give Heike the Paul Mitchell smackdown.
TKO 44.69 seconds
Mad Clown (Italy) - "Welcome! Now let's get this show on the road."
Probably my least favorite opponent, because, really, who likes clowns? Mad
Clown will try to distract you with a circus juggling act, then fly towards
you in a show-stopping somersault attack. I was not entertained. Party's over,
Mad Clown.TKO 59.24 seconds
Super Macho Man (USA) -- "Make sure to stand clear while I pose for my fans."
The last holdover from the original, his Super Spin Punch has frustrated millions the world over. But, I was able tag the vain muscle man with my own exercise program -- of pain.
TKO 49.31 seconds
Record for World Circuit:
4-0 -- 4 TKO's -- 377520 points -- Times knocked down: 0
------------------------------------
If you go undefeated in all three circuits, another circuit gets unlocked...
------------------------------------
SPECIAL CIRCUIT
Narcis Prince (UK) - "I will not let you touch my beautiful, beautiful face."
Narcis Prince will prance around the ring and maybe casually toss a few punches if he feels like it. I knew what I had to do agitate the conceited bastard: Pummel, Pummel is beautiful, beautiful face.
TKO 47.84 seconds
Hoy Quarlow (China) - "Please, take it easy on a poor,
old man won't you?"Mention Hoy Quarlow to anybody who's played the game, and fools will grumble, "That Old Man with the cane...", then meld into a vegetive state of frustration and anger. Sure, he's 78 years old, wrinkled, and has to walk around the ring with a cane, but this man will BEAT YOU DOWN. When I first played this game years ago, it took me forever to get his timing down, but it was such an amazing accomplishment that the method of taking him out was imprinted in my brain. I went into Total Recall mode and sent Hoy Quarlow stuttering against the canvas.
TKO 51.56 seconds
Rick Bruiser (?) - "My brother may be champ, but only
'cause I let him win. Really I am the best!"The final two opponents, Rick and Nick Bruiser, in an amazing twist in the universe, are practically clones of the Klitschko brothers, yet created almost a decade before they came to prominence in the for reals world of boxing. Astounding. You have to watch yourself with Rick. Try to give him a hook or an uppercut, and he's coming right back twice as hard. Miss on a punch, and he'll break your hand, leaving you unable to fight back. If you don't pay attention, he'll bash you with a crippling forearm. And if he knocks you down, he'll laugh in your face. You have to be quick with Rick. I was ready for the fool, dodging and counterpunching him until his eyes were popping out. In the end, it was I who was laughing.
TKO 50.48 seconds
Nick Bruiser (?) - "......................"
Topping Mike Tyson as the final boxer is impossible, but Nick Bruiser is a
worthy replacement. And infinitely better than lame-ass Mr. Dream. Nick is
like Rick. Similar moves, similar look...and yet the complete opposite. While
Rick is animated, Nick displays no emotion. He doesn't have a pre-fight quote.
If he knocks you down, he stands in the corner and looks away. If he knocks
you out, he solemnly bows his head. The Man is Cold! Everybody who has ever
fought Nick Bruiser has teary-eyed stories about their battles of futile destruction.
Some might even have nasty Vietnam-ish nightmares and flashbacks. Luckily,
I've had experience against Nick Bruiser, giving me the heart of stone needed
to methodically fight my way through the punishment and take the title.TKO 1 min 6.37 seconds
Record for Special Circuit:
4-0 -- 4 TKO's -- 495260 points -- Times knocked down: 0
------------------------------------
16-0 is good, but other than the MINOR CIRCUIT, my times aren't that great. Thus, the value of another added feature: Time Attack Mode. Most games get old fast after you beat them. Super Punch-Out!! has a huge replay value. There are just so many different ways you can approach each fighter. Oh, Nick Bruiser, you haven't seen the last of aNTicRfT...
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